Heisui’s Thoughts: Who am I, really?
This is a bit of a breather post for me…and I guess you could say that this is a rather rare post for me to write. I got this thought in my head after reading some very personal blog posts by bloggers who also write about dramas….I realized that I keep my blog very limited to dramas-only. I very rarely talk about stuff that’s going on in real-life, aside from writing an occasional “this is a busy week” or “I gotta study for finals but I’m watching dramas instead” or “I’m feeling crappy, time to watch dramas” in my updates bar. I didn’t really decide from the get-go not to talk about my personal life but it just kinda happened that way. O_O
Why is this? Well it could be for a number of reasons. First of all, that’s a part of my personality. I’m rather mysterious about what I’m doing and what’s going on in my life. >_>” I am the kind of person that likes to hear people out; I am willing to listen to every single detail of someone’s story or issues or whatever, and I will give them advice, but when it comes to myself..well..I don’t really talk much about myself. Sometimes I do this consciously, but most of the time it is just part of who I am. I’m a very private person in real life. This kinda ties in to one of my other reasons–my paranoia over someone I know in real life finding my blog. I don’t think this is that much of an irrational fear..we always need to keep in mind that anything we write on the internet is GONE FOREVER and you don’t know who might just so happen to stumble across it! So I am very careful to not reveal any super personal info all because of my paranoia. =_= Hey, there’s nothing wrong with being cautious. 😛
And then I got to thinking about the whole reason I’m watching dramas and blogging about them. Dramas are sort of an escape for me, a stress-reliever, a way to stop thinking about real-life and to just live vicariously through my favorite characters. Honestly this past year has not been all that great for me..I’ve been so stressed, so lost and in a very desperate need for some major soul-searching. This past year, I feel like I just threw myself even more into the dramas I was watching at the time, and I also become much more devoted to updating and maintaining my blog. This is all a form of stress-relief for me. And, on a lighter note, dramas and blogging are also a form of happiness. It always makes me happy (unless if it’s a sad drama, haha!) to watch dramas and to talk about them with other people. Even if my day isn’t going very well, I will cheer up once I get to talk with someone about dramas. I guess you could say that sometimes, dramas are like the ‘great escape,’ the way to forget about my troubles and just immerse myself in another world.
So who am I, really, when I strip away the dramas? Who am I, when I’m not heisui? That is a hard question that I’m not even sure I can answer completely. Is ‘heisui’ just a part of me that is tucked away into my overall identity? Is it someone I stop being when I’m not on my blog, or is it part of me all the time? Or is ‘heisui’ only masking my own self in reality?
This brings me to the meaning of my screenname…”Heisui”. It’s a really random Japanese word that I picked on the spur of the moment a really long time ago. I literally just looked up a word in the Japanese online dictionary and I ended up choosing this one. 平水. It means “calm water”. At the time, I wasn’t really thinking about any deep meaning behind my screenname. But now, looking at this name that has come to represent a little part of me, and a big part of my life, I realize that ‘heisui’ really is just like me. I am like the ‘calm water,’ so tranquil on the surface, yet full of torrents & waves underneath. Heisui is me.