Heisui’s Thoughts: Who am I, really?

Heisui's ThoughtsOther

This is a bit of a breather post for me…and I guess you could say that this is a rather rare post for me to write.  I got this thought in my head after reading some very personal blog posts by bloggers who also write about dramas….I realized that I keep my blog very limited to dramas-only.  I very rarely talk about stuff that’s going on in real-life, aside from writing an occasional “this is a busy week” or “I gotta study for finals but I’m watching dramas instead” or “I’m feeling crappy, time to watch dramas” in my updates bar.  I didn’t really decide from the get-go not to talk about my personal life but it just kinda happened that way.  O_O

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Why is this?  Well it could be for a number of reasons.  First of all, that’s a part of my personality.  I’m rather mysterious about what I’m doing and what’s going on in my life.  >_>”  I am the kind of person that likes to hear people out; I am willing to listen to every single detail of someone’s story or issues or whatever, and I will give them advice, but when it comes to myself..well..I don’t really talk much about myself.   Sometimes I do this consciously, but most of the time it is just part of who I am.  I’m a very private person in real life.  This kinda ties in to one of my other reasons–my paranoia over someone I know in real life finding my blog.  I don’t think this is that much of an irrational fear..we always need to keep in mind that anything we write on the internet is GONE FOREVER and you don’t know who might just so happen to stumble across it!  So I am very careful to not reveal any super personal info all because of my paranoia.  =_=  Hey, there’s nothing wrong with being cautious.  😛

And then I got to thinking about the whole reason I’m watching dramas and blogging about them.  Dramas are sort of an escape for me, a stress-reliever, a way to stop thinking about real-life and to just live vicariously through my favorite characters.  Honestly this past year has not been all that great for me..I’ve been so stressed, so lost and in a very desperate need for some major soul-searching.   This past year, I feel like I just threw myself even more into the dramas I was watching at the time, and I also become much more devoted to updating and maintaining my blog.  This is all a form of stress-relief for me.   And, on a lighter note, dramas and blogging are also a form of happiness.  It always makes me happy (unless if it’s a sad drama, haha!) to watch dramas and to talk about them with other people.  Even if my day isn’t going very well, I will cheer up once I get to talk with someone about dramas.  I guess you could say that sometimes, dramas are like the ‘great escape,’ the way to forget about my troubles and just immerse myself in another world.

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So who am I, really, when I strip away the dramas?  Who am I, when I’m not heisui?  That is a hard question that I’m not even sure I can answer completely.  Is ‘heisui’ just a part of me that is tucked away into my overall identity?  Is it someone I stop being when I’m not on my blog, or is it part of me all the time?  Or is ‘heisui’ only masking my own self in reality?

This brings me to the meaning of my screenname…”Heisui”.  It’s a really random Japanese word that I picked on the spur of the moment a really long time ago.  I literally just looked up a word in the Japanese online dictionary and I ended up choosing this one.  平水.  It means “calm water”.  At the time, I wasn’t really thinking about any deep meaning behind my screenname.  But now, looking at this name that has come to represent a little part of me, and a big part of my life, I realize that ‘heisui’ really is just like me.  I am like the ‘calm water,’ so tranquil on the surface, yet full of torrents & waves underneath.  Heisui is me.

heisui

I'm heisui, an Asian drama blogger and the creator of My Drama Tea. I love stories and writing, so I watch dramas and blog. I especially have a penchant for Japanese and Chinese dramas, and those hidden gems that are waiting to be discovered. Oh, and I'm Legend of Zhen Huan-obsessed!
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  • Awww Heisui… I think we are all idealists, and introverts, that’s why we blog. You sound very like me actually, very very like me haha! I don’t even have a “screen name” lol, people only know my tumblr url hah!
    It’s strange though, that we find it easier to be more of ourselves by becoming not ourselves so to speak.

    • P.s. Sorry I haven’t replied your ask on Tumblr, just haven’t gotten round to it! Come off anon girl 😛 but I suppose your Tumblr is the real personal space for you? 🙂

    • Yeah I noticed that there are a lot of introverts who blog. O_O Oh and I actually don’t have a tumblr account at all, that is why I was anonymous haha!

      “we find it easier to be more of ourselves by becoming not ourselves so to speak. I get what you mean, it is so true! 😉

      • O.O ok I didn’t know ppl without tumblr can still ask stuff! haha! (go get one! *nudges*)

        *brings us back to existential crisis mode once again!

        so you’re still schooling? if you dont mind me asking 🙂

        • Yeah it let me ask anonymously, surprisingly!! Hmm I’m not sure if I will ever get a tumblr. I used to have one but later on I deleted it. I like wordpress better for now. T_T

          Haha yes I’m still in school. Does it sound obvious in my post? O_O

  • Awww, I absolutely loved this post! It was very insightful and an eye-opener. You can be what you want and please whoever you like because at the end of the day the decisions that you make is up to you to decide and no one else. I think that with blogging about dramas, we are able to loosen ourselves up and escape from the hectic life which we all have.

    With blogging you don’t actually think of who you are writing to, because for me when I blog I think of it as a diary, for me to record down all my feelings. It doesn’t matter what others think because you can’t be wrong.

    This is your blog and you can do whatever you like! People will support you regardless! And if they don’t it is just their loss!

    • Thanks misscupcakees! *touched* Hmm that is interesting you think of your blog as a diary. I’m not sure if I view mine as a diary..but maybe more like a journal? (or is that the same thing…HEH)

  • Wew! This post is so personal and touchy! I like your episode recap of BBJX. As you can see, I re posted every single one of them in my blog. However, I have to say that this is the best post you’ve ever written. It has more “you” in it.. Keep continue to write more stuffs like this. I am sure that mo matter what, we will always like the girl who writes brilliant drama reviews 🙂

  • I don’t think you’re being overly cautious not wanting to blog about your personal life, I completely agree with you on this point – that everything on the internet might eventually come back in an unexpected way. I’m always surprised by what people write about themselves online, blogging is no longer a ‘niche’ and with social media it’s more common for say potential employers to start googling you. Even behind a screen name there’s always a way.

  • You know, I think it’s brave for you to even go out of your way to write this. I get you! Personally, I view blogging maybe as a more sophisticated way of writing thoughts – just because you can edit the shit you want out of your stuff (hehe that’s what the edit button is there for right?), if you prefer.

    The greatest appeal of your blog is that you put your voice into it (i bet i’m not the only one telling you this lol). Subconsciously or not, your writing has this sort of great balance to it; like you’re opinionated without offending, and you show that you’re excited about a drama/an actor but not forgetting to be informative.

    Me too! Used to wonder who the faces behind the blogs. But then again, I think, well if they want to reveal more about themselves, then they will, eventually.

    • Aw thanks you flatter me! *blush* I am not really aware that my writing is balanced. O_O You are right, I suppose that it takes time to get to know the people behind the blogs. It is definitely rewarding though.

  • I get what you mean with keeping your private life off the blog.

    There are people who know my blog that I know in real life, but they are all people I knew first online and then met because we kept going to the same events (though it took them nearly a year for them to convince me to let them know who I was). None of my friends or family know though, and I’d prefer to keep it that way.

    Heisui is a lovely name, with a lovely explanation.

      • Film festivals, weekly film screenings at the Korean cultural centre or elsewhere etc… you end up seeing the same people quite a lot. And once you start talking to the film distributors or festival organisers, it’s the same – everyone knows everyone because the Asian film scene in London is so small and specialised.

        It’s not bad, I’ve even gotten festival tickets or film screeners because it.

  • I’ve been mostly a silent reader of your blog since you started on ‘Love Forward’. 🙂 This is a nice post and I think a lot of people can relate (myself included). I tend to be a private person in RL (although I think it’s partly because I’m a socially awkward person sometimes lol), and even though my friends in RL do know that I like watching dramas, they don’t really know how much I really enjoy dramas, not unless you saw me on forums (like soompi, etc.) online. And like you said dramas can be an escape for me as well, so my family and friends don’t really know my online screenname and stuff like that.

    I do like your screenname though. My screenname is only because I liked ‘Ayame’ from the InuYasha anime (since she never existed in the manga) and I was 13 years old then, which is why it’s ‘ayamefan13’. But that was almost 10 years ago, although I’m too lazy to change it lol.

    • Ahaha yeah some people in RL know I watch dramas but not that I’m super into them! >_< heheh I think a lot of Inuyasha fans back in the day made screennames based on Inuyasha, you're not alone. 😛

      And you're making me remember my Love Forward days now…oh goodness.

  • I’m all for keeping blogging and personal life the same, but if people ask me questions about my real life, I’ll answer as honestly as I can 😛

    I, too, have that fear that people from real life (mostly must family) will find my blog, so I usually don’t put too much of what is going on in it. Plus, we do have that scary world that if you’re looking for a job, employers have people who scout social media and other online venues. People have even been fired by posting complaints about their job on Facebook.

    I like learning more about my blog friends, though, and I think the meaning behind your name is lovely. My original username is just a variation of a username that I use often if its available and combines my favorite animal with a favorite constellation. I changed it to what it is today thanks to my two BFs in college always calling me that.

    Ah, I needs to find time to sit down and catch up with all you posts now. I’m sorry to hear how stressful it’s been for you. I feel that watching and blogging about dramas helps relieve mine and its something I enjoy as well. 🙂

    • Ah, there is so much to look out for when we post stuff online nowadays. T_T”” Oooo so NeeNee is your nickname? Hehe I love your screenname/nickname.

      • I know! When I see what some people post on FB and twitter, I wonder about how easily they will find a job. Oh, look, you posted a picture of yourself in your underwear while drinking a beer while still being a minor. Nice.

        I actually had a friend who was fired because she kept complaining about her job on FB. It’s scary.

        Thanks. I like my nickname/screenname, too. 😉

  • TVB Series used to help me escape from the reality since I was a childhood until now. There will always be stressed in life. Sometimes Korean Dramas help me release stress too since their romance comedies are a big escape to real life.

  • I’m sorry I’m only seeing this now! Guilty… as charged, like crazy -_- But I’ve always wondered about you-the-person and so this is such a wonderful entry – very timely and I read through everyone’s comments and found myself nodding along 🙂 I’m sorry it’s been such a challenging year – we all have that – but hopefully this new school year will reset that in your life and end it quite nicely? I’m hoping so for ya! I love the meaning of Heisui too (like everyone else I mean), and I think although you randomly chose it – think of it this way: it chose you. Cos it fits this blog and you (at least, yourself as reflected through your drama-blog persona) down to a T! I’ve so much of your Heisui’s Thoughts to catch up too(!!!)

    I’ll try to write more uplifting personal entries in mine hahaha to encourage not just myself, but you too ^_^

    • Yes I am really hoping for a brand new restart for this new school year. *crosses fingers* Hmm I think I like your blog so much because I feel like I get to know you as Jan and not just jandoe the blogger. I like all of your posts (I be lurking!) because they show your ups and downs in life. I think they are already inspiring!

      • D’awwww thanks Heisui!!! (big hug) I love your writing style too – as everyone pointed out here, yours is informative and yet tonally still so humbling. Nothing snarky, sarcastic or too cool for school (we get too much of this both on and offline!). That is the idea (getting to know me as a person and not just another blogger on this massive World Wide Web) so I’m happy to know it’s succeeding ehehe ^_^v

        PS By all means, continue lurking but do pop back in once in awhile so I’ll at least know you’re alive and doing well 🙂

  • What you wrote, “Dramas are sort of an escape for me, a stress-reliever, a way to stop thinking about real-life and to just live vicariously through my favorite characters. Honestly this past year has not been all that great for me..I’ve been so stressed, so lost and in a very desperate need for some major soul-searching. This past year, I feel like I just threw myself even more into the dramas I was watching at the time” THAT is exactly why I watch dramas. I started my first one when my only sibling, my older sister, passed away from cancer. After that, I was hooked. I’ve been watching them exclusively for four years now. I have used dramas to escape so many stressful and painful moments in my life, if only for the few hours per day that I can devote to them, I can go somewhere far far away! Thank you for sharing this. It made me feel not so alone.

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What’s New?

-Wrote up 10 New Year's Resolutions for dramas! Read it here.

-It took me a really long time, but I'm finally done with my end of the year 2016 dramas review! Check it out here. It includes Good Morning Call, Juhan Shuttai, Princess Weiyoung, Imperial Doctress, and so much more! Happy New Year!

-Tried the new WOWOW jdrama Rakuen, starring Nakama Yukie (Gokusen). It's a suspenseful, dark drama that has some mystery to it. Will watch ep2.

-Started Quartet 2017, written by Sakamoto Yuji and starring some of my favorite actors/actresses Mitsushima Hikari & Matsuda Ryuhei. The drama so far has some humorous moments that I could laugh at, even without subtitles. Fingers crossed that it'll get subbed!

-On an indefinite hiatus.

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